Up Late And Thinking

Ok, so the title says it all. Haven't sat down all day long and I'm exhausted. It's been a really busy day with family stuff going on, but it was a great day. Spent a lot of time with my wife and we had a blast together. I did however manage to get quite a few tweets in today and put some great re-Tweets out there from Beautiful Oceans, SeaShepherds, LGBT Life, and TGWorldNews. If you have a few minutes, go check some of those out.

Among them were new 3D maps of our planet's coral reefs, a re-thinking of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, and a plea from Australian children to their country's Prime Minister to help end whaling. Goods steps towards change in this angry and confused world. The first one was just something I thought was great for getting an in-depth look at the reefs of our planet and to get a better understanding of this massive ecosystem.

I'm looking to bring something big to the site in the next few days, I haven't deciced what just yet, but I want something big and creative. In any event, I'm off to bed. Good night boys and girls.

Website

I've been working very hard the last two days at getting an actual webpage up and running. In years past I would have just grabbed an account with someone offering free hosting and wrote all the code myself, but I'm a lot rusty when it comes to that and I just don't have the time anymore. In any even, I'm working to integrate this blog with the site and hopefully I can get some interaction going between it and the world. You can find me online, here.

Relaxing

Taking a few days to myself to just unwind and let the stress flow out. Going to head to the gym quite a few times in the next couple of days. Finally starting to get my stomach and waist line down. Trying to get that hourglass shape. Between the kids, work, and life in general, I'm a bit in knots at the moment. This blog however is really helping me to focus and get things in perspective.

I've been doing my best to bury it the last few months, but I know who I am and what I want to be. It's just a matter of the if and how I have to deal with. Those I think though are the hardest things of all. I've been in the mood to write some poetry again and I even have a few ideas swirling around in my head. Later tonight I'll sit down and pen a few lines out and get them posted up on here. That should definitely help me relax. I haven't written poetry in some years, but I used to enjoy it a lot.

My Causes

As you can see by the little banner off to the side, I'm a wildlife lover. I've always loved nature and felt a responsibility to the planet. Yeah, I'm a tree hugger. I can live with that though, because as a child, I recognized that we only have one planet and unless we take care of it, we are doomed as a species. Most people I don't think really grasp that idea and always assume it won't impact them or their generation. It's just not true though. Already we feel the impact of dwindling resources with the price of everything going up year after year. Scientists are predicting the oil wells will dry up within this century and that even the simplest of pleasures, like chocolate will be no more due to over farming.

The saddest part of all though, is that rather then focus on the survival of our species and those we depend on, we bicker and feud amongst ourselves. Truly depressing that after 10,000 years as a people, we still can't get our priorities in order. So, now that I've finished my tirade for the day, I want to bring to light one of my favorite activist groups, whom I feel are actually making a difference.

The Sea Shepherds. They're on Animal Planet on the show Whale Wars (I highly recommend watching) and year after year, they actively interfere with the Japanese whaling fleets attempts to slaughter these beautiful creatures. Reading their articles, you will quickly discover that they also engage in seal, dolphin, and other aquatic animal preservation. They are a conservation group dedicated to protecting the habitat that covers 2/3 of our world. I could go on for hours about the work they do and why I feel it's important, but if anyone is interested, you're better off checking it out first hand at Sea Shepherd.org

Getting things going...

Well I figured after I made the big leap onto the TG stage, at least a big leap for me, I got to thinking that there are so many other outlets for me out there to connect with the world. So, I've got a Twitter account going and hope to keep it fairly updated. I've also been playing around with the layout of this blog for a few hours and finally found something I like. All in all, it's very girly IMHO and I like it that way. Oh well, back to work getting everything setup.

Out To The World

Hello, my name is Ashley. I'm new to the entire blogging world, but figured this was the best outlet for my thoughts and feelings as it allows me to be public, but still keep a little bit of privacy. It also allows me to get feedback, positive and negative, from the entire world about whatever it is I'm thinking of at the moment.

I guess I'd better start with the entire background story to what is so far my time on this planet. I am 28 years old and to most of the world, I'm known by a different name. I'll say my initials are M.S. and that my first name is decidedly male. That's because I was born physically as a male and currently live the majority of my time as such. Since just before I was a teenager, I've struggled with the idea that something about me was different and that I didn't always feel comfortable in my own body. It wasn't until recently however that I really began to understand these thoughts and feelings.

I dated plenty of girls when I was younger and was never attracted to guys (at all), but I always felt it easier to connect with girls then guys and always noticed I had more girl friends then guy friends. Often times I felt so at ease when I was around them and I could just be myself without the need for putting on any fronts. Around the guys I always felt I had to act tough and macho and talk about all the girls I had been with and it made me uncomfortable at times. Mostly because I knew it was just a show. I never fully understood all of this and it eventually got pushed to the side when I met the woman who is now my wife.

When we met, I felt so happy and able to fall into a normal masculine role that everything else just sort of went away. We've been married for quite a few years now and have two beautiful children together. We've had our ups and down like any couple, but in most respects, we are a normal family. In the last year though, many of my thoughts and feelings began to resurface and overwhelmed me at times. There was this burning desire to change myself and it felt like there was another person in my head screaming to get out. I've been going to counseling and discovered I have GID (Gender Identity Disorder). In short, even though I am physically male and have done my best to live as such, my heart and mind are decidedly female.

Sometimes staring in the mirror is tough because I see a rough masculine look and long for that smooth female appearance. It's something I am still struggling with and hence my need for this blog as it allows me to virtually shout out the feelings that overwhelm me. The constant tear between my love and devotion for my family and my inner need to be Ashley is draining at times and unbearable. I've been able to cope with it to some degree, but the choice to both become who I feel I should be and lose my family in the process or to stay who I am now and bury my real personality cause me a large amount of despair and sadness at times.

Though I'm not sure who if anyone will find my little corner or the blogging world in the sea of text, I'm sure that with the few that do, there will be confusion, anger, sympathy, and apathy towards my struggle. I would love to the opportunity to commune with other like-minded souls and I'm even up for a good ol' debate with the religious zealots who will condemn me for even thinking the thoughts I am. In any event, I look forward to comments and feedback from the world.