Back and Forth

When I first realized I hadn't posted in about 4 days, I was a bit upset, but in retrospect I think it was a good thing I waited this long to get my thoughts together a bit more. It's been an average week for me as far as anyone can tell. My outward appearance and demeanor have been normal. I've become pretty good at putting that face on and keeping it. However I've been on another emotional roller-coaster as of late full of the loops and twists.

I think I said in a previous post that I had been dealing with being TG for quite a few years now. It really wasn't until about 2 years ago that I began to understand what exactly it was that was going on with me. Until then I was very confused and ashamed sometimes because I felt like I was being someone I wasn't. When in fact I was trying to be who I really was. A lot of the feelings and emotions began when I was a child and carried over into the teenage years, but I never sought any counseling or asked questions about it. So in the end, many of the ideas and emotions became buried.

Most people look in the mirror at themselves and see something they want to change. Maybe bigger arms, a smaller waist, smaller nose, whatever it may be. Imagine looking at your entire body and saying, "Wow, this is not me. This is someone else". It's an extremely frustrating experience. You begin to look at your features and they anger and sadden you. You wonder why you were given this body when it doesn't match any part of who you know you are. I went through this for a long time and still do. I try to count my blessings though that I wasn't given a large masculine body and some of my features are a bit feminine in nature. It helps me when I imagine myself as who I need to be.

At my most desperate, I needed to change myself on the outside so bad I began taking hormones without a prescription or doctor's care. For anyone who isn't aware, that is extremely dangerous and can be fatal. The idea that I was finally doing something about it gave me an overwhelming sense of relief and allowed me to cope with the day to day. It wasn't long before I started to notice the usual effects of fat redistribution and breast growth, but I always felt like I was betraying my family because I had not come out to them about it (in fact I still haven't). After about 3 months I decided to stop due to the physical changes becoming apparent and my fear that my family would find out before I could tell them in my own way. I managed to deal with reverting back to my male body and role and convinced myself it was for the best.

However the last few weeks have had me thinking again and I realize that this isn't something I can just push to the side. If it's been with me for this long, it isn't going to go away by itself. More and more I find myself going back to the desire to dress up and change my outward look to match my mind and spirit. I'm working through this on my own with the use of this blog and a little therapy. I eagerly look forward to where this adventure takes me and to find the knowledge and courage to finally make a final decision about who I want the world to know; the man that I am, or the girl I want to be.