Out To The World

Hello, my name is Ashley. I'm new to the entire blogging world, but figured this was the best outlet for my thoughts and feelings as it allows me to be public, but still keep a little bit of privacy. It also allows me to get feedback, positive and negative, from the entire world about whatever it is I'm thinking of at the moment.

I guess I'd better start with the entire background story to what is so far my time on this planet. I am 28 years old and to most of the world, I'm known by a different name. I'll say my initials are M.S. and that my first name is decidedly male. That's because I was born physically as a male and currently live the majority of my time as such. Since just before I was a teenager, I've struggled with the idea that something about me was different and that I didn't always feel comfortable in my own body. It wasn't until recently however that I really began to understand these thoughts and feelings.

I dated plenty of girls when I was younger and was never attracted to guys (at all), but I always felt it easier to connect with girls then guys and always noticed I had more girl friends then guy friends. Often times I felt so at ease when I was around them and I could just be myself without the need for putting on any fronts. Around the guys I always felt I had to act tough and macho and talk about all the girls I had been with and it made me uncomfortable at times. Mostly because I knew it was just a show. I never fully understood all of this and it eventually got pushed to the side when I met the woman who is now my wife.

When we met, I felt so happy and able to fall into a normal masculine role that everything else just sort of went away. We've been married for quite a few years now and have two beautiful children together. We've had our ups and down like any couple, but in most respects, we are a normal family. In the last year though, many of my thoughts and feelings began to resurface and overwhelmed me at times. There was this burning desire to change myself and it felt like there was another person in my head screaming to get out. I've been going to counseling and discovered I have GID (Gender Identity Disorder). In short, even though I am physically male and have done my best to live as such, my heart and mind are decidedly female.

Sometimes staring in the mirror is tough because I see a rough masculine look and long for that smooth female appearance. It's something I am still struggling with and hence my need for this blog as it allows me to virtually shout out the feelings that overwhelm me. The constant tear between my love and devotion for my family and my inner need to be Ashley is draining at times and unbearable. I've been able to cope with it to some degree, but the choice to both become who I feel I should be and lose my family in the process or to stay who I am now and bury my real personality cause me a large amount of despair and sadness at times.

Though I'm not sure who if anyone will find my little corner or the blogging world in the sea of text, I'm sure that with the few that do, there will be confusion, anger, sympathy, and apathy towards my struggle. I would love to the opportunity to commune with other like-minded souls and I'm even up for a good ol' debate with the religious zealots who will condemn me for even thinking the thoughts I am. In any event, I look forward to comments and feedback from the world.