Back and Forth

When I first realized I hadn't posted in about 4 days, I was a bit upset, but in retrospect I think it was a good thing I waited this long to get my thoughts together a bit more. It's been an average week for me as far as anyone can tell. My outward appearance and demeanor have been normal. I've become pretty good at putting that face on and keeping it. However I've been on another emotional roller-coaster as of late full of the loops and twists.

I think I said in a previous post that I had been dealing with being TG for quite a few years now. It really wasn't until about 2 years ago that I began to understand what exactly it was that was going on with me. Until then I was very confused and ashamed sometimes because I felt like I was being someone I wasn't. When in fact I was trying to be who I really was. A lot of the feelings and emotions began when I was a child and carried over into the teenage years, but I never sought any counseling or asked questions about it. So in the end, many of the ideas and emotions became buried.

Most people look in the mirror at themselves and see something they want to change. Maybe bigger arms, a smaller waist, smaller nose, whatever it may be. Imagine looking at your entire body and saying, "Wow, this is not me. This is someone else". It's an extremely frustrating experience. You begin to look at your features and they anger and sadden you. You wonder why you were given this body when it doesn't match any part of who you know you are. I went through this for a long time and still do. I try to count my blessings though that I wasn't given a large masculine body and some of my features are a bit feminine in nature. It helps me when I imagine myself as who I need to be.

At my most desperate, I needed to change myself on the outside so bad I began taking hormones without a prescription or doctor's care. For anyone who isn't aware, that is extremely dangerous and can be fatal. The idea that I was finally doing something about it gave me an overwhelming sense of relief and allowed me to cope with the day to day. It wasn't long before I started to notice the usual effects of fat redistribution and breast growth, but I always felt like I was betraying my family because I had not come out to them about it (in fact I still haven't). After about 3 months I decided to stop due to the physical changes becoming apparent and my fear that my family would find out before I could tell them in my own way. I managed to deal with reverting back to my male body and role and convinced myself it was for the best.

However the last few weeks have had me thinking again and I realize that this isn't something I can just push to the side. If it's been with me for this long, it isn't going to go away by itself. More and more I find myself going back to the desire to dress up and change my outward look to match my mind and spirit. I'm working through this on my own with the use of this blog and a little therapy. I eagerly look forward to where this adventure takes me and to find the knowledge and courage to finally make a final decision about who I want the world to know; the man that I am, or the girl I want to be.

It's a new work week for me and I'm back to the old grind. I'm seriously giving thought to a major career change as I just don't find the reward in what I do anymore. I would love to go back to school and get a degree in something that deals with the humanities and understanding people. However, I also know that unless I want to be a social worker, it's not a field where the jobs abound. Sociology has always interested me as I really enjoy trying to understand the who's, what's, and why's of being human. Human beings are distinctly funny animals and when you really sit back and watch objectively, you will notice how similar people are, no matter their gender, race (I hate that word), age, or nationality.

Deep down we all have the same basic needs and feelings. They just manifest themselves very differently in some of us. How we perceive these differences is also different and yet the same. We often times come to similar conclusions about a person, place, or thing, utilizing very different methods. The most interesting thing I have observed about people is the need to be different, or the exception to the rule. We struggle so hard to stand out and identify ourselves in a world where we're taught it's OK to fit-in and conform, but you should be different too. The old adage about, "Stop trying to be an individual, just like everybody else."

I'm not sure what I would want my defining characteristic to be. Would I want to be known as the good husband, loving father, or the girl in a guy's body. Very hard to say as each one has the potential to really differentiate me from a large group of people. However, in the process it aligns me with a whole other group of people. Individuality is a very complex idea and in truth is unobtainable as you will always be, in some form or fashion, like someone else. While I struggle with my gender identity, the whole world struggles with their human identity.

Up Late And Thinking

Ok, so the title says it all. Haven't sat down all day long and I'm exhausted. It's been a really busy day with family stuff going on, but it was a great day. Spent a lot of time with my wife and we had a blast together. I did however manage to get quite a few tweets in today and put some great re-Tweets out there from Beautiful Oceans, SeaShepherds, LGBT Life, and TGWorldNews. If you have a few minutes, go check some of those out.

Among them were new 3D maps of our planet's coral reefs, a re-thinking of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, and a plea from Australian children to their country's Prime Minister to help end whaling. Goods steps towards change in this angry and confused world. The first one was just something I thought was great for getting an in-depth look at the reefs of our planet and to get a better understanding of this massive ecosystem.

I'm looking to bring something big to the site in the next few days, I haven't deciced what just yet, but I want something big and creative. In any event, I'm off to bed. Good night boys and girls.

Website

I've been working very hard the last two days at getting an actual webpage up and running. In years past I would have just grabbed an account with someone offering free hosting and wrote all the code myself, but I'm a lot rusty when it comes to that and I just don't have the time anymore. In any even, I'm working to integrate this blog with the site and hopefully I can get some interaction going between it and the world. You can find me online, here.

Relaxing

Taking a few days to myself to just unwind and let the stress flow out. Going to head to the gym quite a few times in the next couple of days. Finally starting to get my stomach and waist line down. Trying to get that hourglass shape. Between the kids, work, and life in general, I'm a bit in knots at the moment. This blog however is really helping me to focus and get things in perspective.

I've been doing my best to bury it the last few months, but I know who I am and what I want to be. It's just a matter of the if and how I have to deal with. Those I think though are the hardest things of all. I've been in the mood to write some poetry again and I even have a few ideas swirling around in my head. Later tonight I'll sit down and pen a few lines out and get them posted up on here. That should definitely help me relax. I haven't written poetry in some years, but I used to enjoy it a lot.

My Causes

As you can see by the little banner off to the side, I'm a wildlife lover. I've always loved nature and felt a responsibility to the planet. Yeah, I'm a tree hugger. I can live with that though, because as a child, I recognized that we only have one planet and unless we take care of it, we are doomed as a species. Most people I don't think really grasp that idea and always assume it won't impact them or their generation. It's just not true though. Already we feel the impact of dwindling resources with the price of everything going up year after year. Scientists are predicting the oil wells will dry up within this century and that even the simplest of pleasures, like chocolate will be no more due to over farming.

The saddest part of all though, is that rather then focus on the survival of our species and those we depend on, we bicker and feud amongst ourselves. Truly depressing that after 10,000 years as a people, we still can't get our priorities in order. So, now that I've finished my tirade for the day, I want to bring to light one of my favorite activist groups, whom I feel are actually making a difference.

The Sea Shepherds. They're on Animal Planet on the show Whale Wars (I highly recommend watching) and year after year, they actively interfere with the Japanese whaling fleets attempts to slaughter these beautiful creatures. Reading their articles, you will quickly discover that they also engage in seal, dolphin, and other aquatic animal preservation. They are a conservation group dedicated to protecting the habitat that covers 2/3 of our world. I could go on for hours about the work they do and why I feel it's important, but if anyone is interested, you're better off checking it out first hand at Sea Shepherd.org

Getting things going...

Well I figured after I made the big leap onto the TG stage, at least a big leap for me, I got to thinking that there are so many other outlets for me out there to connect with the world. So, I've got a Twitter account going and hope to keep it fairly updated. I've also been playing around with the layout of this blog for a few hours and finally found something I like. All in all, it's very girly IMHO and I like it that way. Oh well, back to work getting everything setup.